Temple of Horrors
by Luithia Clen
Summary: FE7. Whoever came up with this level needs a good kick in the face. Tactician centered, but not paired with anyone. Contains a few suggested pairings. ExN, HxL, JxN. Rated for some language and violence. I dislike writing summaries. And Sonia.


Luithia: Hi there! So, this is a summery of how I finally beat chapter 26x. Based off true events...mostly. This is also my first humor-based fic, so please don't judge me too harshly if you think some characters are being OOC. Except for Sonia. I kind of exaggerated her on purpose. Oh, and I also have nothing against feminists. Anyways, I don't really feel like saying the disclaimer myself, so take it away, Matthew!

Matthew: Why do I have to do it?

Luithia: Because.

Matthew: ...

Luithia: ...

Matthew: ...Fire Emblem does not belong to Luithia Clen. She's just having fun with it. Blah blah blah...

Luithia: _Thank_you. Enjoy!

* * *

"Miss Luithia, I'm afraid we have a problem."

The tactician groaned audibly for about the hundredth time that day.

"What is it _this_ time, Eliwood?"

"You know that long bridge we used to cross over here?" he asked, trying to give the stressed girl an encouraging smile.

"Yes, what about it?"

"Well, it just submerged."

"Uh-huh."

"With four of our soldiers on it."

Luithia closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose, reminding Eliwood very much of Kent whenever Sain was flirting with the female recruits.

"I hate this temple. So. Very. Much," she mumbled before lifting her head and taking on a much more commanding tone. "Alright, send Florina and Fiora to rescue whoever's stuck out there and bring them back, and make sure everyone else is keeping those soldiers at bay." She looked meaningfully at the crowd of armed men defending Sonia's throne. Eliwood acknowledged her orders before leaving to return to the fray.

Luithia quickly slid behind one of the temple's fallen pillars and let out a deep sigh. Between the changing pathways, limited space, and constant flow of enemy soldiers from the many stairways, this Water Temple had to be the biggest pain in the arse she had had to deal with in her entire career.

"Having some difficulty with the battle, Miss Tactician?" came a familiar, cheerful voice from above her. Luithia tilted her head upward to see Matthew's fox-like grin over the edge of the pillar.

"That's an understatement," she sighed again, leaning back, "And, anyway, aren't you supposed to be up there fighting?"

The thief's grin widened. "Nope. Marcus and Hawkeye have it covered."

"Oh," she said out loud, not surprised, then to herself, _So you're just being lazy, huh._

A short distance away, on the other side of the islet of stone that most of the army resided on, Lord Eliwood had his sword drawn. He was holding off the last of a group of axmen who had tried to ambush them from the side. Eliwood set his stance, positioned his rapier carefully, lunged towards the soldier and… missed. Hell. Not only did he miss, but the axman was able to counter, sending the lord spinning off balance.

He caught the ground with his sword and managed to steady himself just as the warrior lifted his ax high for another strike. Eliwood flinched and waited, but no strike came. He looked up and saw that the man wasn't even looking at him. Suddenly, he heard the soft tinkling of charms behind him, and whirled around to see Ninian.

She was dancing. Her sash lifted and curved, creating a halo around her body as she moved, and her skirts spun tastefully about her legs. Perhaps it was the rejuvenation powers of her dance, or perhaps it was that look of lust in the axman's eyes, but Eliwood found the strength to leap forward and cut the warrior down in a single blow.

The crimson-haired lord exhaled with relief and turned to his savior. "Thank you, Ninian," he said with an obligatory smile. The dancer started and dropped her head timidly.

"I-it was nothing… ah, Lord Eliwood," she stuttered, only remembering to add his title at the end. _Her bashful side is rather cute, too_, he thought with a small grin.

"GodDAMMIT!"

After hearing a string of curse words, both of them looked up to see the two pegasus knights gliding down to land gracefully on the stone islet. Luithia, the tactician, was seated comfortably upon the pillar she had used for cover.

"Looks like Hector and Lyn got stuck out there," she said, smiling to herself as she recognized the gruff voice. The axe-wielding lord slid off Fiora's steed with a clatter of his heavy armor, soaked to the bone. Lyndis dismounted Florina's pegasus similarly and began wringing the water out of her ponytail.

"Quit shouting, Hector," said the plainswoman, "It's just a little water."

"You've got nothing to worry about, your clothes don't rust," growled Hector. True, Lady Lyndis' light dress would suffer little damage from the water. However, it did have a tendency to cling to her skin when wet. Quite close to her skin. Hector didn't catch her response.

"What was that?" he asked, looking back up at her face.

"I _said_, it's your own fault for wearing so much armor!" she snapped. The blue-haired lord looked indignant as he retorted that at least he was protected, unlike a certain someone who had to be rescued multiple times in this battle alone. The swordswoman shouted back that she hadn't _needed_ to be rescued, and did he have to be _quite_ so rough about it? And so on and so forth.

Eliwood chuckled softly from where he stood beside the tactician. "It's times like this that they remind me of an old married couple."

"Well, I wish they'd save it for a more appropriate time," said Luithia before shouting to the pair to move their rear ends.

Slowly, but surely, and with much figuring of damage points, the army eliminated every soldier in the temple, leaving only Sonia upon her throne. Luithia saw this as the perfect opportunity to give a motivational speech. This task was normally reserved for Eliwood, but the tactician insisted. Something about her needing to increase her self esteem.

"Okay, everyone," she said from atop the fallen pillar she now seemed so fond of, "I know we've all been through a lot, but this battle is almost ours! We have successfully gathered all the treasures this temple has to offer," she nodded to Matthew, who returned the gesture with his usual smirk, "And, thanks to Lord Pent, we no longer need worry about Sonia's Bolting spell." Pent acknowledged her gratitude with a smile that would have charmed even the most hardened feminist.

"All that's left is to take care of Sonia and then we'll be done with this God-forsaken place!" She finished the last line with a considerable amount of exasperation in her voice.

As Luithia slid off her perch, Marcus returned from his observing of their final enemy.

"So, what's the report, Marcus?" Eliwood asked his mentor.

"Actually," the elderly knight hesitated, "We have a bit of a problem. It seems-"

"WOULD IT KILL YOU PEOPLE TO GIVE ME SOME GOOD NEWS FOR ONCE?!" screamed Luithia all of a sudden. After a good ten seconds of odd stares, she put a hand to her head and sighed, "Sorry, sorry. Go on."

Marcus nodded and continued. "It seems that the only two among us who can harm her whatsoever would be Jaffar and myself, and we can only do a small amount of damage at a time."

Luithia wanted to cry. "And… who can damaged her more?" she whined, almost hopelessly.

"Jaffar. Shall I go retrieve him?" offered Marcus.

The tactician waved him off. "Nah, I'll get him." _I really need something to get my mind off this stupid battle._

At that moment, Jaffar was near the back of the army, speaking with the small, green-haired mage called Nino. He was rather hesitant with his words, and Nino was looking up at him, sadly.

"The first time I saw you, you were with the Reed Brothers, laughing… in that dazzling light, as if you belonged there. I… became very interested in you. When you saved my life," he looked down, "Nino, that was the first time I ever had… feelings."

"Jaffar…" Nino spoke his name softly, almost whispering it.

Their moment was interrupted by a rather loud, sappy sniff. Both of them turned to see the tactician standing there, watching them with her hands clasped in front of her chest.

"Oh… uh, sorry about that," she mumbled, turning around and dabbing at her eyes with the corner of her cloak. "Right, uh, Jaffar, we need you at the front line. You, too, Nino," she said with another sniff, gesturing towards Sonia's throne.

The pair gave her another somewhat confused look, or at least Nino did, before heading off in the indicated direction. Luithia took a deep breath to regain her composure before turning to follow them.

Sonia was waiting, a confident smirk plastered on her face. Apparently, despite the fact that all of her soldiers had been killed, she felt that she was invincible and could still win (which was partially true). She let out a loud, mocking laugh as Jaffar approached.

"You?! You're going to kill me, my little Angel of Death?" cackled Sonia as she brought out her tome.

The assassin dashed forward a struck with a swift attack, but only managed to deliver a shallow cut. Sonia laughed again before blasting him back with her magic.

Luithia groaned and muttered to herself, "This is gonna take forever…"

Sonia, on the other hand, still had that devilish smirk of hers. "Useless! None of you fools could possibly defeat a perfect life form like me! Not you lordlings, nor you, Jaffar, nor that worthless piece of trash I used to call my daughter!"

_My, she loves to hear herself talk_, thought the tactician.

Jaffar, though somewhat winded from her counter, stood up for a second strike.

_Definitely need to get him healed after this- huh?_ Luithia's thoughts paused as she watched Jaffar pull out his daggers, spinning them around his fingertips. Sonia's laughter drained into a hoarse cry, then silence. The assassin yanked his blade out from her chest, splattering plenty of blood, and her lifeless body fell and sprawled across the throne behind her.

Jaffar sheathed his weapons with the barest hint of satisfaction and turned to leave.

"Jaffar, I LOVE YOU!"

The entire army watched in shock, and in some cases horror, as their tactician flung her arms around the assassin, tackling him to the ground.

* * *

"…And that's the end of that story," finished Luithia, closing her leather-bound journal.

"…Why did you record that? Furthermore, what gave you the sudden urge to read it to us out loud?" asked Matthew from the opposite end of the fire pit he and some of the other recruits were seated around.

"Well, my dear thief, if you _must_ know, I keep a record of all my battles, and I read it to you because I darn well _felt_ like it!"

"That's 'Royally Employed Thief' to you," he muttered, "And it only happened two days ago."

"What was that?"

"Nothing," sighed the thief.

"Um, Miss Tactician?" addressed Nino timidly from her seat beside her.

"Yes, Nino? What is it?" asked Luithia, taking on a much gentler tone.

"Well… about that last part…"

"Oh, right," interrupted Luithia, "That's _your_ job, isn't it? Right, then, go thank Jaffar for killing your witch of a mother." With that, she shoved the now speechless little mage off in the assassin's direction.

* * *

Luithia: Yeah, I know the epilogue was really unnecessary, but I was having too much fun at the time.

Matthew: Our authoress here would like to thank you for reading this rushed and rather slipshod fanfiction, with its scattered relationships and inappropriately placed conversations-

Luithia: I think they get the point, Matthew...

Matthew: And would also like to ask you _not_ to give advice on how she could have better completed this level, though why anyone in their right mind would actually do that after reading a fic is beyond me.

Luithia: You are _so_ lucky I have a thief fetish.

Matthew: That being said, please read and review.

Luithia: Please. It's what authors like myself live for.


End file.
